A week already! Time really does fly when you're getting married. So fast that I didn't even get around to writing my "signing off" post. :( (Btw, big congrats to my wedding date twin, MRS. Cloud!)
I have looked forward to my wedding day for not only the past 11 months, but also my entire life. I was definitely that little girl who grew up dreaming of her perfect wedding day. Very few details in my actual planning process differed from what I had always imagined my wedding day would be as a little girl...
That is, with one big exception: the way I feel now that it's over.
You see, I wasn't in love with my wedding. I never once felt like a bride or really let loose and enjoyed my day. I was extremely stressed out, tired, and focused on not being a bridezilla to my friends, family, and vendors. And now every free moment of mine is spent obsessing over all the things that went wrong or what I could have done to prevent them from going wrong.
I know that a lot of people misuse terms like OCD, ADD, etc. to describe how they feel or act when it comes to all things wedding. But I truly believe I may be suffering from PWD: post wedding depression.
Before I go any further, I want to clarify something. I DID have bright moments throughout the day. Like watching Mr. Lab trying his damndest to hold back tears when he saw me for the first time (only to fail miserably). Or listening to my pastor's homily and feeling giddy as he announced me as Mr. Lab's wife. And even the few minutes we spent alone eating dinner. I cherish those moments and am grateful that they are my favorite parts of the day. They should be my favorite because they are the most important. A wedding is about the marriage. I definitely don't need to be reminded of that. And no one can expect a perfect day. I totally get that.
But that doesn't excuse the fact that I poured my blood (literally, I cut my hand while working on one of our lantern centerpieces), sweat, tears, time, and money into 11 months of planning this wedding and had certain realistic expectations of not only the final product, but of the people involved, that were not met. And because of that, I spent most of my day focused on the wrong things no matter how much I tried not to worry about them. I would repeatedly be taken out of a promising moment because something went wrong or someone did something disappointing.
The full blow of my PWD didn't hit until the night after my wedding. I know the impact was exaggerated due to our lack of a honeymoon. Having to leave our wedding city early and travel 4 hours back home to jump back into school and work really gave me time to absorb all my wedding's shortcomings. I was ill because I had been running on empty for weeks and was laying in my bed when the tears finally came. I called for Mr. Lab and as soon as he entered the room, the dam burst.
I felt horrible as I described how I felt, thinking the whole time that I must sound like an ungrateful bitch for feeling that way. Many people had busted their asses and checkbooks to help me pull off this wedding and I didn't want him to think I didn't care about that, let alone make him think that what should have been the happiest day of our relationship thus far was a complete failure. I wanted him to know I was extremely excited that he was finally my husband, but still get across the need for me to get this soul-draining feeling out of me and into the open. There was no way I could go back to school and work (or even the hive) and "face the music" without addressing how I truly felt to someone first.
Just like a loving husband, he was extremely supportive. It was our first "test" as a married couple and I'm glad he was there to listen and just hold me as I cried.
I have since shared my feelings with a couple other people I'm close to, including my matron of honor. She actually confessed to me that she anticipated my phone call. She knew how much I had put into this wedding and was very aware of all the things that went awry (that's probably because she was one of a just a handful of people working their asses off to make sure I had the best day possible).
To make matters worse, I feel as though the blows keep coming. I realized a couple days ago that our cake flavors were completely wrong. I didn't catch it at the reception because I only tasted the cake quickly after the cake cutting. Then I go to get a slice of it at home and make the discovery that my two-tiered/two separate flavors-wedding cake was actually just a white cake all the way through. I was perusing a few photos from friends on Facebook today and found out there were 12 extra chairs at our ceremony which contributed to me wondering why so many seats were empty as I walked down the aisle. It's as though every day brings another little disappointment instead of acceptance and a chance to move on.
I think the thing that upsets me the most is that I never really knew about the "realness" of PWD. I anticipated going into a bit of a funk after the wedding because I'd no longer have DIY projects or deadlines for vendor contacts or the excitement of a looming big day. But I never in a million years think I'd long to go back and opt for the simple courthouse wedding over mine (not that there's anything wrong with a courthouse wedding, it's just that I never really considered it because most people who say you should have one are bitter divorcees). Let's face it, PWD just really isn't out in the open quite yet. No one wants to poop on your parade of sunshine and lollipops when you're planning a wedding. And then people like me don't want to admit how they really feel when asked that oft-dreaded little question: "How was the wedding?"
I'm just hoping that my PWD will help someone else out there, whether it be a newlywed or a bride-to-be. I'll probably have a post or two that goes into a bit more detail on exactly what went wrong in the days leading up to my wedding and the actual day with tips on what I would have done differently to keep from feeling so helpless afterward (like putting my foot down and having things done MY way). My hope is to get all of the negativity out so my recaps won't be Debbie Downers because I know that years from now I will have worked though the way I feel about my wedding day.
Who knows, maybe because my wedding day was full of mini disasters, my marriage is destined for greatness? I'm off to watch a particular Sex and the City episode to remind me of that and maybe cheer me up a bit in the process.
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Mrs. Lab, Hi there... it's Kelly, the second-shooter who photographed your wedding. I was told about your blog from Lindsi, and have to admit that I've read every.single.page. of this blog since your wedding day. It was such an awesome experience reading a post about a DIY project, and then remembering what the finished product looked like on your Big Day. Everything looked beautiful, you looked beautiful, and I hope that you will begin to have more positive memories when you see your final wedding images.
ReplyDeleteBack when I got married in 2005, I was a member of TheKnot wedding planning website, which I'm gathering is a lot like your Wedding Bee. I honestly think that there should be a disclaimer for wedding websites like this... that actual wedding plans don't turn out the way you want. I was a self-described DIY-whore, and did so many things for my own wedding that I definitely experienced the PWD that you mention in your post here.
I'm sorry that everything didn't go as you planned. Obviously experiencing your wedding day first-hand, I am aware of some of the struggles. But I don't think that your guests knew. You and Mr. Lab threw a wonderful party, had one of the most beautiful wedding locations I've ever seen, and it was obvious to me how much you both care about one another.
You are so right that your wedding day is just a day... but that every day you're building your marriage. Don't let negative memories of day 1 affect the rest of your life! :)
I don't typically have the time to read through super long posts (even though I write them myself) :) But as I started off with yours, I just had to read every word. You reminded me so much of my sister from her wedding 3 years ago. She had a few things go wrong at her wedding as well, the cake was melting from the heat (a family friend made it), the florist didn't translate her ideas of how to decorate the arch at the ceremony and left it completely bare, the DJ screwed up on a multitude of things we had specifically burned into the company's brain over and over again. It was frustrating for her, but thankfully, as your photog mentioned, the guests had no idea and had a great time. They even commented about how amazing the DJ was (though we ended up getting half our money back from them). The day after the wedding I was driving my sis and her new hubby to LAX for their honeymoon flight when she suddenly burst into tears sobbing. We were at a gas station so I went to hug her and ask her what was wrong and she said some of the stuff you mentioned. She just felt like even though it was all over and went great, it was sort of like a let down and all the emotions and anticipation she had just suddenly consumed her. Looking back, she has gorgeous photos and a wonderful fun video of all the great times we had that day. There were a lot of laughter and tears...but we do still bring up the let downs sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI think it's so important to be open and honest about your feelings (as you are) and to help future brides-to-be remember that no matter what you do in the planning process, try as best you can to prepare yourself for the mistakes that will in fact happen on your wedding day. Thanks for sharing and I can't wait to see your photos and to hear your recaps...and feel free to be honest in them. You won't sound like a Debbie Downer - I think you'll see the good in everything and be able to share the frustrations that us other brides can learn from. :)
Too many chairs? Different flavors of cake?!
ReplyDeleteAre you serious?
What petty things! 1. You have WAY too much time on your hands if you noticed these things. 2. Be glad you have a husband 3. Be glad you have a husband who will put up with your being so ungrateful, because I'm pretty sure not too many people would!
Enjoy the things that did go right and stop concentrating so hard on the things that did not!
Just Be Happy Dammit!
@JustBeHappyDammit: I'm going to keep this comment up even though it is extremely rude and obviously written by someone too afraid to come out from behind an anonymous screen name online. You have either not planned a wedding all by yourself for months or your wedding was "perfect". Nearly every new wife I've shared my experience with has sympathized with how I felt after my wedding because no one comes out and says what I've said here to warn us of these feelings.
ReplyDeleteYou clearly didn't read through my entire posts or the posts that followed this one. I have a RIGHT to expect certain outcomes from people I pay to do something. I also expect certain behavior from people I trust as friends and family. Sadly, this did not happen on my wedding day. Yes, too many chairs seems trivial in and of itself, but when you're walking down the aisle and you notice 3 ROWS of empty chairs, you cannot help but think that people didn't care to show up even though they RSVPed. If I had "had WAY too much time on my hands" as you say, I would have realized then and there that too many chairs were ordered thus giving the illusion of no shows. "WAY too much time" was definitely not a luxury I was afforded on my wedding day or a lot of this post wouldn't exist.
The examples I gave are just a tiny portion of things that went wrong and added to my stress during the day. If you had been at my wedding, you wouldn't have known I was stressed though. 11 months of tedius planning (read through my ENTIRE blog if you don't believe me) with no planner all for ONE day to get as much of it right as possible...but you would have seen a calm bride that was very considerate of EVERYONE around her even though a lot of those people were not considerate toward me.
I'm writing about the things that went wrong with my wedding as a warning for other brides. The warnings include being prepared, not stressing about certain things, and not dwelling on certain things. However, it is INEVITABLE that some dwelling cannot be avoided because the memories from your big day constantly bombard you in the months after the wedding in the form of photos, friends and family asking "How was the wedding", the unpacking of wedding items, etc.
One last thing, read my very next post. Sound ungrateful?
So how about taking your "too much time on your hands" (since you're trolling around looking for people to be rude to on the internet instead of doing something productive-it's the holidays for crying out loud!) and take it to some other blog on your route?